joyeux cuisine

a blog about good food, family, friends, and life.

as I stand.

on October 14, 2012

I’ve been absent for a little while. It’s been kind of a rough few weeks…scratch that. Rough semester. It’s my senior year and it seems like everything good that I expected to happen is going the exact opposite of how I planned and expected it to. A lot of these things I’ve come to deal with and move on from, but I had the final blow last week and it just left me feeling dejected and like I don’t really have a purpose anymore. It feels like all I do is homework and practice. I mean, that’s how it should be, but I feel like I’m not making progress. Like I’m just stuck.

This started before the school year even began. I figured I had a pretty good shot at making center podium drum major (we conduct the marching band and center is essentially the most important). The four of us auditioned for it with all the section leaders and they picked which one of us it would be. My friend Stephanie got it, which was really exciting for her. She hasn’t conducted before and to be honest I was surprised. After a short mourning period I decided that it would be okay for me to be on the side and help Stephanie out from where I was. All good. No hard feelings.

A few weeks after that we did ensemble auditions for our music department. Naturally I auditioned for orchestra and mostly expected things to be like they were last year; playing first part because the other oboe player mostly plays English Horn. However, this was not the case. And needless to say she and I aren’t the best of friends and this only made it worse because she kind of rubbed it in my face. It hurt. A lot. I challenged her and lost to her (which she also rubbed in my face a little) and that hurt even more. I lost a lot of desire for practicing after that. But after a few weeks I’ve decided the only thing I can do is kick butt at my recital and audition for the concerto competition and kick butt at that too.

All these things built up in me until last week when I totally stepped out of my comfort zone and got shot down. Not literally, but basically that’s what happened. I auditioned for our school’s show choir after two of my friends urged me to. Keep in mind, I don’t sing (in front of people) and I don’t dance. But I did it. And apparently it was pretty good. One of my friends, who was also the director, said it was pretty amazing. But when the email when out to those who made it, I was not one of them. It hurt. But really only because everything I’ve tried I’ve failed at. I lost it that day. I cried on my friend Zach for about 5 minutes. And then I cried on my roommate for about 20 minutes. Thank God for friends.

I trust that God is using these things for something. I can’t figure out what or why. I need prayer. And hugs. And ice cream. I’m trying to keep my head up. I keep thinking that this year can’t get any worse. Hopefully that’s true.

Sorry this is long. And ramble-y. Thank you for listening. Or reading? I’ll bake soon.

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